This one goes out to all of you. Whether you’re struggling or not.
The last two years have been a constant daily effort to “fix” my self and improve the quality of my life. For those of you that don’t know, my life before said two years was consumed by horrible depression and anxiety. Suicide was on the menu every other day, but luckily I never went for it!
During that time, I met someone who I thought was the love of my life. I was head over heels, madly in love! For the first time in about four years I felt happy again. Truly happy! Enter anxious mind and fear of losing them. Guess what happened? I clung onto them so hard that I suffocated them and scared them away. Enter depression again. Suicide was on the menu again, this time for every other moment of the day.
Now, I am lucky enough to have friends that supported me the whole way, that were always there to listen to my bullshit, paranoid, depressive moaning, literally hold me when I had my first severe panic attack, the list goes on.
That was when I decided that something needed to be done. I had to “fix” my self. Or more accurately, heal my self. (I know I know, it sounds like new age crap, but healing is what you do when you’re recovering from something like that.)
My journey towards recovery was probably different to some people’s and similar to others’. I got into mindfulness meditation. I’ve been doing it every day for the last two years after my morning coffee (nothing goes before coffee!) and it completely changed my life!
I learned how to live with my thoughts and how they don’t define me. I learned that wanting things to be different from how they are in every given moment is pointless and damaging. I learned that the only constant is change, and I shouldn’t be afraid of it. I learned not to judge others or my self. I learned not to take things too seriously. I learned that the world around us is flavoured by our own thoughts and I managed to not let mine make it bitter. I learned to be kind to my self and others. I learned that anger is one of the most toxic emotions in the human back catalogue of emotional reactions. I learned to be a little more brave. I learned to respect and look after my body and stop constantly damaging it through my diet and bad habits. I learned to be more forgiving. I learned to give a shit, more than I did before. And more importantly I learned that contentment is true happiness and what we normally refer to as “happiness” is actually just a temporary high of excitement and enthusiasm.
All of this of course happened one baby step at a time and the learning continues! It wasn’t easy at all, but it has been the most rewarding journey of my life!
Of course I still have my moments, but that’s just what they are now. Moments.
What I’m trying to say is that if you’re struggling, don’t give up. There are people out there who care and can help, but don’t rely on them! There is a way out of this and you are the only one that can find it. How? You’ll have to figure that out for your self and what works best for you. Just don’t give up. Don’t accept that this is how life is now and don’t let society’s judgmental eye affect you. Try and take it one step at a time, like a connect the dots game and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it! You’re not a pain in the arse to everyone else. You are you. It’s all part of the human condition, and it is a beautifully complicated condition to be part of!
We are all in this together.