Letter to my younger self (post-trauma)
My dearest love,
Can I give you a hug? Please let me hold you in your sorrow. Thank you for confiding in me and sharing your story. I am broken. What has happened to you should not have ever happened. I am deeply sorry. In the name of the human race I apologise. It was not your fault that a man abducted you for his private pleasure. I am truly sorry for the fear and horror you have been through. This hideous man is nothing but a coward. You only wanted to help. And his bad intentions should not and do not take away from your good will.
I embrace and love you. While you are crying in pain and fear I am crying in anger.
If you allow me, please let us hold each other until we are all cried out so we can talk.
Let’s talk. Let me tell you how wonderful you are, so wonderful you sparkle from a distance. Just as you shine, however, there are ugly people. They were not ugly at the beginning. They have become ugly when they started thinking that they had to steal your sunshine so that they could shine. But they are wrong. They cannot take away your light. They are deluded, and instead of kindling their own light they waste their time trying to get yours. Enough about the ugly for now… Now let’s talk about you, because you are the one I most care about.
I wish this letter reached you in time to prevent your suffering; or perhaps slightly later to be with you while you are grieving. But we have turned up late. We are late to come with an explanation. I apologise again for that in the name of humanity. Hoping that this will offer you some comfort, I would like to talk to you about the questions you had about your body and your pleasure. I will start by clarifying some things first:
1. Sexual pleasure is completely natural and beneficial. It is as natural and pleasurable as eating when you are hungry and sleeping when you are tired.
2. Beyond having a womb and a vulva in this human shell, you are alive! And just because of that you are valuable and deserve to be respected.
3. Your body is your own.
4. Dignity is not for sale.
5. Your light is independent from others.
6. You are loved immensely.
Having cleared that up, I want you to know that your body reacted as it was expected from a healthy body: prior clitoral or vaginal stimulation a healthy body responds with arousal. Of course you were extremely frightened because, even though your body’s reaction was normal, those were not the conditions in which this arousal was supposed to happen. Ideally, you would have found someone with whom you both agreed to share your sexuality and genital pleasure. Or perhaps it could have been just you on your own with masturbation. But again, this would have been in your own time, the way you wanted, and most importantly freely and under no external pressure or threat.
Fortunately, one day you will get to have that experience and you will feel you are in heaven and frolic with lights shining all around you.
For now, come to my loving arms. Let me console you for the pain you are feeling after you shared your news. Your parents are scared to death too. They did not know what to do or how to help you. It is not that they do not love you. It is just that they are not ready to support you. I am SO SORRY. One day they will understand how they hurt you. I wish you did not have to wait over twenty years. I am sorry. I embrace and love you. We love you. Now they will try to protect you. They will do really sad things just to try to give you back the normal life that was snatched from you. In this terrifying silence I hear you, I feel you, and I understand you. I am sorry that for now the damage cannot be repaired, so the people responsible for your pain face the consequences of their wrongdoings. But I swear to you, because I know, that this lesson will make us stronger; that we will not let any more injustices occur and for the abusers to run away unpunished.
You on your part have made an oath of stoicism. I inform you that this and all of your efforts will be recognised and you will break free from the burden of appearances, you will be able to be your true self and freely express your feelings. Your bravery will take you far away and the day you open your eyes nothing will stop you. You will then spread your strong and beautiful wings soaring across the skies wrapped in a blanket of love, dignified and proud. You will be reassured of your light, your magic, your power, your value, your love, and your courage.
I regret to be addressing this letter in these circumstances. Again, I wished you had not been raped, regardless of what other people want to call it… I know it will take time for you to reconcile with the world. I admire (alongside many more people) your interest and enthusiasm for moving forward. For this last part, I remind you that you are not on your own. You have my unconditional love. In case you ever needed some words of encouragement I would tell you that the best revenge is to have justice: that you have what you deserve, that you are happy. I love you and I ALWAYS be by your side.
A million hugs,