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Apologist

October 5, 2018

NO APOLOGIES


Open letter to the people that believe our story BUT…


Dear fellow human,
Yes, you said you understood and supported me, but… 


Maybe you have said the most wonderful things to me, BUT the minute I heard “but” felt just like you took everything back and started from what followed the “but”. This is particularly sad, because you said you are with me on this one, but you seem to be actually supporting the rapists. Please do not be a rape apologist.

 
Sincerely,


DB

 


Following is a fictional conversation made up of an assortment of RAPE SUPPORT statements that survivors usually hear. If you can imagine yourself saying/thinking something along the lines of the statements in red, chances are high that you are a rape supporter too. 


Me: He raped me.


You: I’m sorry, but I've seen him be really nice.


Me: He raped me.


You: I’m sorry, but I don’t think he is a rapist. That’s not him. He’s a lovely guy.


Me: I’m reporting him.


You: It was bad what he did, but… here come the torches and pitchforks...


Me: It has been a tough time for me.


You: I see, but why didn't you speak up sooner?


Me: He took advantage of me.


You: Yes, but you should’ve been more careful. You see, boys will be boys.


Me: He assaulted me.


You: I care about you, but I think/know you are lying.


Me: Why would I lie about these things? 


You: Okay, maybe not. But anyway, that was years ago.


Me: He DID this to me.


You: Yes, but he likes women. It’s only natural…


Me: He raped me


You: I trust you, but I'll need to see some evidence.


Me: I am telling you what happened.


You: Yes, but he's married...


Me: That’s beside the point. You might not be aware of that side of his.


You: Okay, but he's a good guy.


Me: He assaulted me.


You: Yes, but [so-and-so] did far worse...


Me: You have no idea how much I am suffering for what he did to me.


You: I understand, but I can’t imagine him doing something like that. He's always been cool with me.


Me: I will definitely report this to the police.


You: Well, I’m with you, but it's sad to see his life destroyed by this.


Me: The problem is much bigger than it seems.


You: Yes, but I think #MeToo is going too far.


Me: It is just a reality check. The assaults are not suddenly a trend. Sexual violence has been a huge problem that hasn’t been dealt with properly. The difference is that now it is spoken about more openly. Many women, myself included, have been harassed in the street/public transport/office/pub/ [any public space] for a long time. Harassment is pervasive and particularly “difficult” to prove, because it is disguised as “innocent” complimenting.


You: Sure, but does this mean I can't flirt now?


Me: Not at all. However, if you are unsure whether you are flirting or harassing someone, maybe you should play safe and leave women alone! Women are not born to satisfy you.


You: Yes, but [Slur for women].


Me: It will take a long time to move things forward and create a safe environment for women.


You: Yes, but I mean... look at the women, though.


Me: The responsibility only lies within the rapist, regardless of how a woman looks like. Say, she is naked and drunk in his bed. It is not an excuse for him to harm her.


You: Right, but was it reeeally rape?


Me: If there is disagreement, or the woman was intoxicated or unconscious you can’t call that consent, and without consent that IS RAPE.


You: Sure, I believe women, but…


Me: What?


You: I believe them, but women send mixed signals.


Me: Well, if in doubt, do nothing to her.


You: Sure, but it's like you can't date a girl anymore.


Me: That has nothing to do with it. Relationships should be built on mutual respect, not taking advantage of someone who seems vulnerable.


You: I see, but it's human nature.


Me: The rape culture is not human nature!!!


You: Yes, but now you sound like a Feminazi.


Me: I didn’t make up any of this.  Check the reports… 


You: Yes, but false accusations happen all the time.


Me: You need to read more than just the number of accusations. A huge amount of survivors take a lot of time to report, others might send an anonymous report, some others never do.

 

You: Ok, but why are they staying anonymous?

 

 


You: Ok, but why are they staying anonymous?

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